Creating a Lifestyle in Which Your Children Are Needed
One of the things I often talk about often in my seminars is the importance of parents living life with their children. Parents should involve their children in every aspect of the functioning of the home, from cooking to cleaning to gardening to all sorts of other chores and projects.
Involving their children in the daily home tasks is a foreign idea to many parents in our modern, goal-oriented society that focuses on efficiency. Parents often seek for ways to occupy their children while they quickly get work done. However, equally as foreign is having a lifestyle in which children are actually a needed part of a well-functioning household. I frequently receive the question, “What do we actually do? I understand the idea of doing things together, but what do we do?”
Nothing to Do?
For me, these were strange questions. Even though I had very few toys and no media whatsoever as a child and young person, I’ve never had nothing to do, in my entire life – from childhood and on. Ever. But as I’ve stayed with many families and consulted with many more, I’ve begun to realize, “nothing to do” is actually a reality in modern society. Though we seem busier than ever and parents often feel they don’t have enough time, the reality is that much of what occupies a child’s time is not actually necessary – and children are quick to perceive this fact.
In a typical family today, the home is nice, newish, modern, with nothing to build and nothing to fix. The home is heated and air-conditioned by the push of a button on the thermostat. When something breaks or there is any need of maintenance, the parents call a repair person. Insurance covers everything in case of damage or accidents to the home, and the mechanic shop handles all the maintenance and repairs of the family car. Modern conveniences make cleaning and cooking efficient and far less time consuming than ever in history. Prepackaged food means that meals are quick to prepare, and if a family is very health conscious and cooks from scratch, all the ingredients are conveniently purchased from the grocery store. If a family does grow a garden, usually the garden produce is only supplementary, and if something doesn’t grow, the needed produce is simply added to the weekly shopping list.
Some families move to the country, which is an excellent choice and provides opportunities for a child to work. Yet in reality, living in the country often doesn’t change much of the above description, with the exception that the children have more opportunity to spend time outside. Of course, time outside is good, but real, needed, practical work is lacking.
In response to this modern problem, parents often use one, or all three, of the following ways to fill their children’s time:
1. Schoolwork
2. Media
3. Invent work
To fully address the damaging effects of too much schoolwork and of media would require a separate article. Neither schoolwork nor media is practical, real-life, or hands-on, and neither involve physical activity. Children need harmonious development of the physical, mental, and spiritual powers, and young children need even more focus on physical development than do youth. A lack of physical activity has long-term consequences for development and even the moral direction our children take as they enter young adulthood. Schoolwork and media are a terrible replacement for practical work.
Invented Work
But let us look at the third option – invented work. Children are quick to perceive that the work has been invented for them and are very sensitive to it. It is an effective motivation-killer! Instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment, children learn to equate work with drudgery.
For example, we tell our children that we need to work in the garden. It is certainly true that garden produce tastes far better than grocery-store produce and is arguably much healthier, and we should help our children appreciate this fact. But the reality is that a child will likely prefer to stay in the air-conditioned house than get sweaty and dirty working in the garden. Because, after all, why go through all the work to grow a garden when mom and dad buy all the nice food from the grocery store? Clearly, this gardening stuff is just an unneeded add-on. Invented work. So thinks the child.
Or perhaps it is the child’s chore to make bread for the family. But he notices that bread is easily acquired from the supermarket, and also notices that if he is negligent in his assigned task of breadmaking, mom and dad simply supply the lack with some store-bought bread. He therefore reasons, “Why must I make bread? If I don’t, mom and dad just buy some. They’re just inventing work to keep me busy.”
This is one example out of many that could be given. Children are very perceptive of invented work. They will quickly learn whether what they are doing is really needed or their parents are just trying to keep them busy.
Creating a Lifestyle
The solution? I believe my friend John Dysinger, a farmer and a wise father, said it best. “You need to create a lifestyle in which your children are needed.”
Needed. As in, the family won’t survive without their help.
To list a few examples, there won’t be food to eat unless we grow it. Nor will there be food on the table unless we properly store that food we grew and then plan ahead enough before mealtime to prepare the meal from those home-grown ingredients. The dishes won’t wash themselves, nor will the laundry. For those living in colder climates, there won’t be heat unless you cut, split, stack, and carry in the firewood. The car soon won’t be drivable unless you change the oil. The kitchen faucet will continue to leak unless you fix it (with your child).
Needed work.
“But,” you may say, “that’s not my lifestyle. We don’t heat with wood. We don’t depend on the garden for our food. I don’t know how to change the oil in the car. I don’t know how to fix a faucet.” Exactly. You need to create this lifestyle – a lifestyle in which your children are needed. And this in many respects boils down to a question of finances.
We are told that, “Poverty, in many cases, is a blessing; …
A Blessing in Disguise
Poverty?! A blessing?! Why?
“… for it prevents youth and children from being ruined by inaction.” Christian Education, 18
Ruined by inaction. Children need to work, and it needs to be non-invented work. In the home afflicted by poverty, there is work that actually needs to be done because there’s no money to hire it. And every member of the family must pull their weight.
And sometimes, in our affluent society, parents might need to actually create the poverty.
This is a rather strange concept in our modern world. Many parents, having struggled with difficulty or even poverty in their youth, achieve a level of success in this world and, out of love for their children, don’t want their children to go through the difficult experiences they themselves went through. Yet it was those very difficulties that built the character of the parents and helped give them success.
A wise parent will create the lifestyle which cultivates these valuable character traits. The biblical example of Elisha is an excellent one. Elisha came from a wealthy home, yet where do we find him when Elijah called him? We find him in the field, plowing with the oxen.
“The early years of the prophet Elisha were passed in the quietude of country life, under the teaching of God and nature and the discipline of useful work. … The son of a wealthy farmer, Elisha had taken up the work that lay nearest. While possessing the capabilities of a leader among men, he received a training in life’s common duties. In order to direct wisely, he must learn to obey. By faithfulness in little things, he was prepared for weightier trusts. He cherished the love and fear of God, and in the humble round of daily toil he gained strength of purpose and nobleness of character, growing in divine grace and knowledge. While co-operating with his father in the home duties, he was learning to co-operate with God.” – Education, 58 (emphasis supplied)
Was it a financial necessity that Elisha and his father work together on the farm? Most likely not. They were well-to-do and had many hired servants. But Elisha’s father understood the value of the lifestyle of useful work.
Parents need to create the need for their children to work, even if it isn’t an actual financial necessity.
Some may say, “This doesn’t apply to me. No need to create poverty – I’ve got it already!”
Perhaps so. In that case (and in any financial situation) live below your means.
Making It Practical
I will list a few practical examples. Don’t feel as if you need to take on every one of these at once; and, of course, you’ll need to adapt them to your situation, but these are examples of what can be done.
Don’t buy the nicest car you can afford. Buy/drive a slightly older car and do some maintenance and repairs yourself. (You may have to learn how.) And do the maintenance and repairs with your children.
Don’t pay someone to work on the house, do maintenance, or do handyman chores even if you can easily afford it. Do these tasks yourself. (Again, you may have to learn how.) And do them with your children.
Don’t pay someone to fix the washing machine – learn to do it if you don’t know how, and do so with your children.
Turn the thermostat off and get a woodstove. Supplying firewood to that woodstove now becomes needed work in order to keep the house warm.
Instead of turning on the AC, open the windows at night to let the cool air in. (Opening the windows every evening becomes another needed task your child can help with.)
Don’t go on a trip or a vacation just because you can afford it. Deny self, and donate the funds to the work of the Lord.
Create poverty.
A note to our readers in various parts of the world:
Many of the above examples apply to more affluent (so-called “first world”) societies. Yet the principles of involving our children in the daily tasks remains the same no matter the location or economic status. I have personally spent time in poverty-stricken (“third world”) areas in which access to modern conveniences is limited. The work of maintaining the home is more time-consuming and labor-intensive without conveniences such as washing machines, mechanical dishwashers, push-button climate control, or even consistent electricity or running water. While there is nothing at all wrong with having these conveniences, the lack thereof can actually be a blessing if approached correctly. Unfortunately, I have witnessed well-meaning parents, overworked with the duties of the home, leave their children to play, study, and attend school so that they can “have a better life” than the parents have had. And while these children and youth grow up with academic knowledge, they often lack real preparation for life because they were not involved in the duties of the home and did not spend enough time with their parents and extended family to learn the practical life skills so important to functioning in their lifestyle and society.
This is not to discourage academic learning, economic growth, and the obtaining of conveniences to make our lives easier, but the lack of these is no reason to not involve the children in the home duties. In fact, the lack of conveniences is even more reason Is this reason for parents to involve their children, as they can actually be a true help to their parents (no need to invent work!) and gain valuable character development as they learn to lift their parent’s burdens. The character qualities, work ethic, habits of industry, and sense of responsibility that the children learn through the work of the home will go much farther toward lifting the family and society from poverty than will academic knowledge without real-life experience.
And, anywhere in the world, no matter the situation, location, or socioeconomic status, get involved in agriculture! Grow a garden, and restructure your lifestyle to actually need that garden. Force yourself to plan ahead for what you need to eat, and grow it. Of course, don’t starve your family, but also don’t quickly default to the grocery store when the menu options get limited. Learn to plan ahead, eat simply, and eat in-season.
I remember years ago our family decided to not purchase any vegetables from the grocery store for an entire year. We had to think, and plan, and work. (This is excellent mental training for children.) Now, we hardly buy anything, let alone vegetables, at the grocery store – because we’ve learned the value of not only the lifestyle but of the homegrown-food itself. When you actually don’t have food unless you grow it, rather than viewing the garden as something supplemental to do if you have time and eat from only if you like it, children become motivated to spend time in the garden and are grateful for what they grow. This often helps get the cycle started of spending time outdoors and more time in the garden. Then, as you’re using garden produce there will be more time involved with preparation and cooking.
In addition to all of these changes you’re making in the general family finances, your children should also learn to purchase some of their own necessities from an early age. This creates another need to work, and trains the important skills of financial responsibility. (There’s a blog post on this topic on the ATG website, https://www.athinkinggeneration.org/money-matters-how-to-help-your-child-budget-and-earn-his-own-money/ More comprehensive information is also available in the book True Education: from Birth and for Eternity.)
Some of these examples, such as starting a garden or getting a woodstove, may require some initial financial investment. But in the long-run, you will find you’re saving a significant amount of money.
What to do with the money you save?
First, get out of debt.
Second, give that money to missions, self-supporting ministries, or others in greater need than you. This will create a situation in which you actually have to economize, because the money is not there to use.
Third, save and move to the country if you’re not there already. Living in the country greatly helps in creating the lifestyle in which your children are needed.
Living below your means will bring with it many real-life opportunities for your children to feel needed.
The Reward
In the words of one family who had made this change in their life:
“The bridge over our creek washed out again. But this time, with our new lifestyle of living below our means, we couldn’t afford to hire someone to fix it. At our nightly family meeting, my husband and I mentioned the problem to our three children. The next day, as we were eating a meal of homemade bread and beans and vegetables (from our garden), our children brought up the problem again. Within minutes, all three were eagerly contributing suggestions for how we could remedy the problem without spending money. The suggestions were coming in so fast, that we had to slow them down and get out a piece of paper so we could compare the ideas.
The next Sunday found us hauling huge rocks from edge of our property to shore up the bridge. It took us three days – and plenty of sweating, grunting, and sore muscles – to repair the bridge. But we never enjoyed a project so much. So much laughter, collaboration, bonding, and more happened in repairing that bridge. It was better than any vacation we have ever had.”
